ERECTION NIGHT GALA
"Denny, what are you doing?" Alan strolled in to the smoking room
where Denny lounged dressed as Liberace's eccentric brother--complete
with a snow-white Shih Tzu trimmed in lavender bows perched atop on his
lap.
"I've decided to go gay," Denny said. His pink paisley
ascot rustled as he preened his neck and flicked the menthol-light slim
between two fingers.
"Pardon me?" Alan blinked.
"Gay. You know: cream puff. Tutti-frutti. Lollipop. Chocky-jockey. Sweet sucker--"
"Got
it." Alan raised a hand. "And stop it, please. You're making me hungry.
What in God's name prompted this? And don't tell me it's because I've
been working out. I haven't been."
Denny made a face in his
general direction. "Since I effectively joined the other team, I
figured I should live the part. To vote for Obama, you have to be Black
or Hispanic, which I can't change; a communist, and being poor is
out of the question; Muslim, and they never get to have any
fun; or gay. So I went with gay." Denny put his hand to his lap and
patted his pooch.
"Has it occurred to you what going gay involves?"
"Of course."
"An you're all right with that?"
Denny shrugged. "My third wife was gay. She never had sex. I'm going to be that kind of gay."
"The kind that marries a rich hedonist for half his money and then leaves him?"
"Do you know of a better kind?"
"From time to time," Alan said.
"Denny,
I've known you five and a half seasons, and I'm more wont to believe
the sex and salmon story you told me yesterday than this 'fairy'tale."
Alan lolled into the neighboring chair and leaned forward, hand to his
knee. "What's really going on?"
Denny grasped the wrist and clung to it. "Alan, I'm afraid. What if they find out?"
Alan
surveyed the gold stud earring, the ginormous pink trillion-cut diamond
tie tack, the lace hankie up his sleeve. "I think it's a veritable
given that they will, but, dear, I'll be by your side for better or
worse." Alan threw his other hand over the clasp.
The dog, looking nervous, jumped down to the floor.
Denny
pulled away. "Not this! This is my cover story! What if they find out I
voted Democrat? I'm a terrible liar, which is why I always say what
comes into my head--if anything ever does. They're bound to find out
I'm hiding something. So let them think it's that I'm gay."
"Hiding?
Denny, your secret is about to relieve itself all over the Heriz." Alan
nodded to where the little Shih Tzu now squatted in a worrisome
position on the Oriental weave.
"Ah, but that's the beauty of it! They'll think they know my secret, but they don't!"
Alan stared for a long moment. "Perhaps you should go back to your old party. I'm not so sure we want you after all."
"As long as you want me." As always, Denny put the emphasis in the key place.
"Always," Alan said.
"Good. Then I'll stay gay." Denny popped the cigarette in his mouth and exhaled--tongue porked out-- trying for a smoke ring.
Alan
made a sound somewhere in the range between a groan and a retch. "I'm
going to bed." He patted Denny's knee again in parting.
"Stick to your own side," Denny called after him. "Don't think because of this I'm taking the left."
"I was thinking bottom," Alan said.
"You're always thinking bottoms."
"Even so. Are you coming?" Alan turned and waited for him.
"I'll be along later. I want to watch 'Will and Grace.'" Denny picked up the remote and aimed it at the box.
Alan
paused at the threshold and gave a long, lingering look back. "If
you're going to be a while…perhaps I could borrow the dog."
Holder and all, Denny jabbed his cigarette in Alan's direction. "You're a sicko!"
"So…that's a no on the dog then?"
Denny
stabbed out the cigarette and heaved out of his chair. "Someone has to
keep an eye on you." He trudged off to the bedroom a few paces behind
Alan with the dog bringing up the rear.